


I Can Live Without You But Without You I'll Be Miserable At Best

by imnotmadeofeyes



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Canon Divergence, Derek left Beacon Hills, Friendship, Hopeful Ending, Hurt/No Comfort, M/M, Open Ending, Slice of Life, Soulmates, fractured, though not really discussed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-20
Updated: 2013-11-20
Packaged: 2018-01-02 04:26:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,459
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1052499
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imnotmadeofeyes/pseuds/imnotmadeofeyes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>Stiles doesn’t know how he manages to get his phone out of his pocket. Or how he manages to dial Lydia’s number. He’s weak and shaky and the world is black and white around him, blurred out from the tears brimming his eyes. His fingers are trembling that hard that he can barely hold the phone up to his ear.<br/>“Lydia” he whispers when she picks up. “Lydia, he’s gone.”</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Can Live Without You But Without You I'll Be Miserable At Best

**Author's Note:**

> Title taken from "Miserable at Best" by Mayday Parade. Just a whole bunch of angst that started off as a bored drabble and became this.

Stiles doesn’t know how he manages to get his phone out of his pocket. Or how he manages to dial Lydia’s number. He’s weak and shaky and the world is black and white around him, blurred out from the tears brimming his eyes. His fingers are trembling that hard that he can barely hold the phone up to his ear.

“Lydia” he whispers when she picks up. “Lydia, he’s gone.”

 

*

 

Lydia holds Stiles in her arms when he breaks down. He cries in her arms like a little boy and he isn’t even ashamed anymore. Lydia Martin is one of his best friends, and she understands. She has been left behind too, and it’s only been a few months since that happened. She understands and holds him tightly, holds him together.

Stiles clings to her like she’s his rock, and he’s pretty sure that’s exactly what she is.

“Lydia” he sobs. “I thought he loved me.”

“He did. I knew he did”

But it doesn’t soothe him at all.

 

*

 

Isaac approaches Stiles the next day. Stiles doesn’t know why he’s even here, he feels empty and broken and he just wants to be alone, crawl in a hole and hide there until he comes back. If he ever comes back. But no, he went to school like this is a normal day, and of course it is, because nobody else cares. He’s the only one being left behind, broken, alone. Homeless, kind of.

At least he thought so.

Until Isaac is there and his eyes are sad and big and blue and concerned and he asks, in that way that’s the true Isaac that only comes out with pack, “Do you know where he is?”

Stiles can just shake his head, and he’s choking on the tears again. He’s gnawing on a panic attack since he found the empty apartment yesterday.

“Will you – will you look for him?” Isaac wonders, carefully. Stiles knows he can sense how done Stiles is. He doesn’t care, not at all.

He simply shakes his head for an answer. Not even Lydia knows about the note he’d found.

 

*

 

Even Scott mentions that something’s wrong with Stiles, and he’s busy with swooning over Allison, because apparently they’re out of their break since Chris Argent started being tolerant of Scott. He talks to him on the third day after Stiles found out he’s gone, looking at him with big wide puppy dog eyes that are concerned like Isaac’s, but for another reason.

“It’s not because he’s gone, is it?” Scott wonders. After all that time, he still doesn’t like him. He has never had an idea what had happened to Stiles in the last few months.

Stiles averts his eyes, bites his lips. “If only you knew” he mutters, but doesn’t bother enlightening his best friend.

 

*

 

The panic attack he tried to avoid comes about one and a half weeks later, in the middle of the night. Stiles dreams of him, dreams of what they had, what happened. He worries, too, and suddenly the dream turns into a nightmare and everything spirals downward. He wakes up sweat-soaked and screaming. He can’t fight it then, the shaking and crying and not being able to breathe.

Of course his dad wakes up because of him.

“Stiles,” he says. “Stiles, what is up?”

Stiles won’t answer and so the Sheriff just holds his son and guides him through the first panic attack he’s had for years.

*

 

Stiles often finds himself hanging out with Lydia and or Isaac in the past weeks. They’re the only ones who know, the only ones who understand. They try to distract him, try to get him out of his room where everything is so stupidly cold and empty without the man he loves. Stiles only goes with them because he doesn’t want them to worry. It doesn’t help him though.

“You need to get over him, sweetheart” Lydia says.

“He’s not coming back” Isaac reminds him.

Stiles swallows down the angry tears. “I know.”

He doesn’t tell them he can’t.

 

*

 

Stiles doesn’t sleep anymore. He doesn’t know why. He’s so tired, so exhausted. But he can’t sleep longer than two hours in a row, and he also can’t eat or concentrate or generally do anything. He’s ripped apart on the insides and nothing can change that. Or, well, at least nothing that’s about to happen.

All he wants to do is send him a text. Or call him. Yeah, that’s better. Call him and scream at him for leaving him behind and moving out without a word and scream all his anger out until nothing is left and then beg, beg for him to come back home because that’s foolish what he’s doing, this is his home.

But he doesn’t because the note says he shouldn’t try it and Stiles for once doesn’t want to disobey.

 

*

 

The others are moving on. Isaac is in a foster home, and he actually likes his new family. He’s a big brother now and he’s just really really happy. Lydia is still dating Aiden, but it’s becoming something a lot more serious between the two. And Allison and Scott are Allison and Scott, how else could it be?

Stiles is happy for his friends, really. And for them he tries to actually become happy again. At least he’s faking it, and he’s pretty sure they believe it, too. He isn’t, though. It’s like a part of him is missing and there’s that gaping hole in his chest that has him heaving for air all the time because it just hurts. He tries to be hurt, to be angry, but now he’s just numb.

It’s been two months, and he’s just numb.

 

*

 

Autumn comes and summer goes and Stiles isn’t really getting better. He tags along with his friends, he eats when someone watches him, and sometimes he can even catch more than six hours of sleep now. He doesn’t want to think about everything anymore, so when the new school year comes, he throws himself into his work. It’s the only thing that halfway works to distract him.

Because his dad, as cool as he is, used his contacts to get some information.

It’s like he’s just disappeared into nowhere.

He could be dead, for god’s sake. They’re right. Stiles should get over him.

 

*

 

Slowly, Stiles’ friends are giving up on him. Like, everyone has someone else and they’re happy and Stiles is so not fitting in their happy couple thing that they have going. Scott and Allison, Lydia and Aiden, Danny and Ethan, hell, even Isaac has started dating some girl from one of his classes. They don’t try to shut him out, but he feels like the third wheel when he’s with them, no matter how many they are, so he withdraws himself, slowly, carefully.

He already did that once, a little bit.

But back then, it’s been because he’s happy.

 

*

 

In December, Stiles fully starts believing he’s going insane. His mind is totally playing tricks on him now. It makes him see him everywhere: in front of the school after the last lesson, in the back of the bleachers at lacrosse games, in the forest when he’s out, in the grocery store when he’s running errands. He know he’s not actually there, he can’t be.

But it feels so real and it makes his heart ache so much and it just sucks.

It sucks because he wishes it was true what he’s seeing.

 

*

 

Christmas comes around and Stiles is still not over it. The pain in his chest has settled, the anger in his mind as well, but he can’t move on. He’s still madly in love, he’s still madly heartbroken, and he can’t even look at other people without fucking thinking about him. But he’s kinda ok with that. His grades are better than ever, and even though the Sheriff is worried because Stiles has only gotten thinner and paler than ever before, he’s also proud of his son.

“I just want you to be happy, son” Papa Stilinski murmurs that night when he hugs him goodnight.

“I know” Stiles says.

But he can’t be. He thinks that if he’d seen it, if he’d mentioned something off earlier, he could’ve prevented it.

 

*

 

At the end of January, it gets easier. Stiles decides that he’s waited long enough. He’s waited months, hell, over half a year, and there still isn’t a sign. And he’s tired, so tired. He just wants to be normal again. So Stiles starts going out with his people again. He meets up with his friends and hangs out with them, and smiles and laughs sometimes, too.

Lydia is the most relieved. When she hears him doing one of his better snarky remarks, she can’t help but hug him tightly. “I’m glad you’re back”

“Yeah, me too.”

He just wishes he could say that himself.

 

*

 

On his seventeenth birthday, it’s almost back to normal. He still misses him, but it’s just a dark cloud in the back of his mind. He’s seen some girls in the past weeks, and even two guys, even though he’s never tried anything but meeting them, flirting a little. But at least he can do that again, he says. He’s fallen apart, but now he’s put himself back together, all on his own, and he’s almost done.

Stiles has a party when he turns seventeen. Only a movies night with all the guys and girls in his inner circle (he doesn’t like using the word pack), but his dad allowed some beer and they ordered pizza and it’s nice.

That is, until the doorbell rings.

 

*

 

Stiles just can’t believe it. He wants to scream and kick and shout and just hurt anything and anybody. Also he wants to break down and cry and just fall apart again, but the first urge is a lot stronger. But when he stands there in his door, he is simply staring, mouth wide open, and he can’t believe his eyes or his heart or everything else that is recognizing the dark frame standing there in front of him.

“Happy Birthday” Derek says, with the voice that Stiles has missed that much.

He slams the door shut in his face and storms in his bedroom, locking the door behind him.

 

*

 

It takes Stiles two days to leave his room again. He’s kept the door shut and the windows, too, and he won’t speak to anyone. It’s just so insane. And so fucking obvious: the moment he is ok again, Derek chooses to come back again and destroy him just once more. It’s so damn unfair. Why does this always happen to him? It’s so unfair.

“Stiles” Lydia urges, knocking on his door.

“Come out, please” Scott says.

“Or let us in” Isaac adds softly.

“You can’t stay there alone forever”

So he comes out, and Lydia holds him and tells him it’s ok because that what she’s been doing all the time. She knows what he needs.

 

*

 

They meet up on May 1st. Stiles still wants to be angry, still wants to be hurt, still wants to scream at Derek or cry in front of him to show him, show him that he has fucked up. But he just can’t. It’s been a damn long time and all these emotions have decreased and are gone now. So they just walk through the park in awkward silence, and Stiles can’t believe he’s really doing this.

“I didn’t want to go” Derek suddenly says.

Stiles startles, looks up at the man. “Why did you, then?”

“I” Derek comes to a halt, stares his frowned creeper-stare that Stiles has long stopped being afraid of. “I needed to sort things out”

“Like what, Derek?” Stiles throws his arms in the air. “I’ve waited. I’ve waited almost ten fucking months, and now you’re coming around with this?! Sorry, but this is just –“

Derek runs his fingers through his hair, warily, nervously. “I know I’ve fucked up, Stiles. But there were things I didn’t understand and I needed to know whether the stuff I was feeling was real and –“

Stiles sighs. “It’s enough. Do you know what? I’m tired of it. Tired of you. I love you, and I’ve waited so fucking long and now you’re telling me you left without a word because of your big gay freakout? Really, Derek. Fuck you. I can’t do this anymore.”

Again, he spins around and leaves.

Derek doesn’t come after him.

 

*

 

Stiles doesn’t know why he does it, but he still calls Lydia again when he’s home. She comes over, and they drink a hot chocolate with marshmallows together because she senses that he needs it. She’s the best thing to ever happen to him, he knows why he fell for her in the first place.

“What did he do now?” she asks when he rests his head in her lap.

“I think we officially broke up now.” Stiles whispers, but all the grief is already gone.

He can’t even cry now, anymore.

 

*

 

Derek doesn’t try to contact him, just like Stiles hadn’t tried to contact him during the past year. Stiles kind of hopes he would because he knows that if Derek tries it, if he really shows him he wants this, Stiles will give in. He’s a foolish idiot like this.

But he doesn’t. Just that there is a note on his windowsill the night after they talked, long after Lydia is gone.

_I’m so sorry. I love you. I talked about forever, and you know, werewolves mean it. I mean it. I’ll wait for you. I won’t give up. It was a mistake._

 

*

 

Stiles doesn’t want to call Derek. He doesn’t want that foolish idiot back in his life. He doesn’t want to be happy with him again, because, for god’s sake, he can perfectly live without him. Except that he totally can’t because he knows what Derek means with forever. He feels it too, that’s why he’s been so miserable the last months. He can’t avoid it forever.

So he calls Derek a few weeks later. The phone rings three times, then Derek picks up. They’re both silent for two seconds, listening for the other one breathing, and then Stiles speaks up, teary and nervously and completely insane, just like he felt since Derek left last fall.

“There’s still a long way to go, don’t think I’ve completely forgiven you already. But for god’s sake, you’re my mate and I missed you like hell, so just come over and we’ll find a way to sort this out again.”

It takes five minutes for Derek to be on Stiles’ windowsill. When Stiles falls into his arms, he knows he means what he’d said on the phone.

 


End file.
